Living Fully Wisdom Shared
A new friend, who has extensive experience accompanying folks through transition, reminded me of the wisdom held in Frank Ostaseki’s book, The Five Invitations: Discovering What Death Can Teach Us About Living Fully. Frank co-founded the Zen Hospice Project in 1987 and shares his experiences accompanying people through the dying process. I read this book a few years ago and posted the reflections below then. It’s always helpful to bring shared wisdom back up into our collective consciousness.
The first invitation is: DON'T WAIT
As someone who has prided myself on my patience, I inherently prickle at this advice. However, when I dig in to that word, patience, it makes me wonder patience for what? Patience for the "right" time to act? Patience for things to get better? If the world is constantly changing, then what am I waiting for?
What if we didn't wait "to begin living each moment in a manner that is deeply engaged?"
What would you do if you DIDN'T WAIT?
Welcome Everything, Push Away Nothing
Many will tell you that grief, like life, is not a linear process it is more like a rollercoaster….I would tell you it's more like Space Mountain -- twists and turns come out of nowhere sometimes leading to squeals of glee and sometimes screams of fear. But, when we get in that line for Space Mountain we embody Frank Ostaseski's second invitation: Welcome Everything, and Push Away Nothing. We know the ride will be terrifying, we know it will be dark and scary, and thrilling and fun. Do we agree to the ride because it is temporary?
Everything in our life is temporary. The weather, our mood, our breath is constantly changing. By Welcoming Everything and Pushing Away Nothing, we acknowledge that "no part of ourselves or our experience can be left out: not the joy and wonder, nor the pain and anguish. All are woven throughout the very fabric of our lives. When we embrace that truth, we step more fully into life."
Are you ready to Welcome Everything as a truly unique experience that makes up one of the many moments in your fabulous life?
"Don't be a role; be a soul."
We each have multiple roles in our lives -- we have our work role, possibly parent, child, sibling, neighbor, community leader, etc. In taking up these roles we sometimes leave behind a part of ourselves. As my father's only daughter he wanted me to be a strong, assertive leader that could support herself financially and not be dependent on anyone else. Twenty five years ago, when I took on the role of a young, female architect in a male-dominated field I disowned parts of myself that didn't seem appropriate. I wasn't feminine, I spoke up to make sure my voice was heard (even when I didn't have the experience to do so), I never asked for help because that would be seen as weak. I missed out on so much because I did not see myself as a whole person with something to offer from my experience -- the good and the bad. I also spent a lot of time judging others, "when we disown parts of ourselves, we tend to judge others who display those same qualities."
In my new role, as an End of Life Doula, I have the opportunity to reframe my perspective. I am practicing looking at each individual as completely whole, exactly as they are. As Frank Otaseski says, "It is not our expertise, but rather the wisdom gained from our own suffering, vulnerability, and healing that enables us to be of real assistance to others." We all have our own experiences of vulnerability and healing that we can use to build an authentic, human connection with others. What if you looked for the possibilities within your day-to-day activities to see when you can rely on your whole self to connect and see others as whole?
Can you answer Frank's Third Invitation and Bring Your Whole Self to the Experience?
Rest
When someone asks, "How are you?", how many times have you answered, "Busy!" We are all so busy and we don't often find the time to slow down.
Frank Otaseski's 4th Invitation is "Find a place of rest in the middle of things." My initial response was, "YES! We all need rest!", and yet we never seem to have enough tasks checked off the list to take that rest. So, how in the world are we to pause in the middle of things?
3 tips struck me:
A place of rest exists within each of us…"when we bring our full attention, without distraction, to this moment, to this activity" that is rest!
Another way to get in touch with this moment is shared by Martha deBarros, co-founder of Zen Hospice Project. Place your right hand on your heart and your left hand on your belly and repeat, "I am here now. We are here now."
Lastly, Angeles Arrien recommends that we step out of the fast lane and get back in to rhythym with nature when she shares, "Nature's rhythym is medium to slow…there are 2 things we can never do in the fast lane: we can neither deepen our experience nor integrate it."
A couple of years ago, I decided I was tired of rushing through life and letting the precious individual moments slip by. It has taken a lot of work since then, but I now feel that I am starting to integrate my experiences and deepening my understanding.
I hope you can rest in the middle of things…in this moment!
Explore the possibilities!
In Frank Ostaseski's fifth and final invitation (yes, it has taken me awhile to get through this meaty book) he invites us to "Cultivate Don't Know Mind".
In our highly competitive professional world, expertise and specialization are highly valued and this concept feels naïve and misaligned. However, the "Don't Know Mind" is not void of knowledge, it is "characterized by curiosity, surprise, and wonder".
It actually invites you to consider possibilities and new outcomes. After all, each experience is new, in this moment, right now. Therefore, new results should be expected.
Suzuki Roshi said, "In the beginner's mind there are many possibilities, but in the expert's there are few." In this new year of 2025, I invite you to hold your expertise and life experience as a resource and also to let go of attachment to fixed ideas and specific outcomes.
How will you explore the possibilities!
