Why don’t we talk about death?

I came across this article last week about Death Doulas being in high demand supporting the reality of ongoing war and conflict in Ukraine. While I wasn't surprised by the concept, I was surprised by two things I found within. First, the EOL doulas are not only helping with grief from loved ones passing but they are assisting with all types of loss, including loss of home, moving to a new country, losing a job, saying goodbye to a way of life that they used to know…

In our rushed, always on-task mode of life we often don't make space for grief, of all types. How many of you moved either jobs, homes, or towns during COVID? I did. And, I saw it all around me. Have we made space for mourning that transition? We all left a way-of-life behind pre-COVID and post. Have we built in support space for that grief at global level?

And, that was the second surprise for me in this article, that speaking about death and dying is not accepted in Ukraine and could even be seen as a sign of weakness. This didn't surprise me because it was a new concept, it surprised me because it is so similar to our culture. Then, I started asking the question -- Who does it benefit to not talk about death, dying, and grief?

My only response is the shared belief that it makes the day-to-day moments more "comfortable". To avoid the minor discomforts of listening to someone talk about their hardships or share your moments of grief with another, we shut down and hold all the feelings in. We trade one small moment of comfort for long moments of misery when emotions are not acknowledged, expressed, and even named.

Brene Brown often talks about choosing courage over comfort to be vulnerable, form deeper connections with other humans, and bring our true authentic self forward. Doulas are not therapists nor medical professionals. We compassionately hold space to have the conversations that are typically uncomfortable. Life holds all types of experiences and we process those with all types of emotions. To only express "acceptable" emotions or "good" experiences would be similar to turning our backs on the uncomfortable parts of our lives, shaving away the unmentionables, to only share the polished, beautiful bits.

Making space for us to be true to ourselves and to each other is why I am delving in to this new line of work.